When I was 12 years old I came out as a nonbinary lesbian to a small group of friends. It was 2017, and nonbinary identities were still a niche subject in the larger queer community. This was the days of GC2B binder giveaways, group instagram accounts, and the rise of the transmedicalist vs SJW debates. I was not accepted. About 2 months later I decided to ditch my them/them pronouns and start presenting as an FTM man. Or, as man as a 12 year old can be. I hated it. I was presenting as another gender I wasnt in order to gain respect as a transgender person in my life. My pronouns were respected more in school, so long as I kept my hair short and my chest bound I was able to live and be seen. I wasnt the subject of debates, I was just able to exist.
This was my first interaction with pretending to be the right type of queer. The right type of queer was being a transmedicalist, crippling dysphoria, liking Harry Potter despite JK Rowling, and listening to all the coolest bands like Twenty One Pilots, Marina and the Diamonds, and Panic! At the Disco. I learned quickly to stifle my interests in weird, online, or niche interests. Exploring kink was almost definitely out of the question. I became a bitter person towards anyone who wasnt in the same headspace as me. After all, after a life full of being ostracized due to an inherent queerness and neurodivergency that the average CisHet girl is trained to find, why wouldnt you want to hide in a safer version of gay?
It was during this time that I also experienced my first few queer relationships. I had the classic intense homoerotic codependent relationship that ended in hell flames, a 3 year monogamous LDR with another trans masc that serially cheated on me through the whole thing. The tightly knit queer friend group that inevitably crumbles due to infighting and what comes of dating each other while not having the emotional maturity to stay friends after breaking up.
But I digress, I stayed in that self made closet for 5 years. From 6th grade to senior year of high school, I was in a closet made of glass. My sexuality label changed around. It was largely pedantics, switching between bisexual and pansexual (whilst, of course, secretly preferring being known as a lesbian), fluctuating on the asexual spectrum, and trying to define who the character I was creating was as a person. That was possibly the darkest time of my life. I was wrapped up in protecting myself, creating a right type of queer identity to hide from the bullies I was friends with and lived with. When faced with something that made me challenge my interests, beliefs, etc, I freaked out. I would shell up. Adding on the bucketloads of trauma regarding many of the communities I am now a proud member of, I was in a hellspace.
One of the only things that made part of that life worth it was meeting my long term partner. I was 13 when we met, and we started dating when I was 14. For the first time in my life, here was someone who wasnt the right type of queer. And I felt safe around them, and through the lense of our relationship and in the safety of each others arms I have found myself here. And I have realized I dont have to be the right type of queer for anyone else, I can be the right type of queer for me.
It took a lot to get here. There was a lot of struggle, the things that come from two young queer trans people still trying to figure themselves out. The addition of the COVID-19 pandemic that shortly followed our 5 month anniversary didnt help. Mistakes were, and are made. Mental health journeys, self discovery, I would be a liar to say our relationship has never strained. And I can say that I probably wouldnt go on this journey with another person again.
And now, I am on the other side. I am on the other side of the it gets better posts. Is my life perfect now? Absolutely not. I am still struggling with some of the same mental health issues I have been struggling with since I was younger, some new ones have come around, some have been solved. But gods, is it more bearable. Im medicated now. They may not work all the time but damn do they help. I can get out of bed most days. I have a loving long-term partner who I plan to spend the rest of my life with. I have reclaimed the labels that used to cause me so much pain. I stand on the other side having not only accepting myself as a genderqueer lesbian, but having accepted myself as a plural system with a complex inner workings. I stand on the other side being polyamorous and proud, despite not being the most successful with finding more people. But thats just the issue, isnt it? In having rejected being the right type of queer I find myself with a new challenge presenting itself: finding people that are the same type of queer as me. Being a plural, therian and furry, polyamorous, genderfucked kinky person on Twitter youd think Id have some fantastic luck! But I digress, I am happy now.
Im still bipolar. Im still plural. Im still insecure in all the new and exciting ways that come with finding yourself and growing up. But Im not repressing it anymore. Im fucking weird and its fucking awesome.
Editors note: lack of punctuation is due to it messing with coding!!!
